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No more.

EDIT: No more whining from me. period.

Im going to leave this up as a testament to how moody and emo i can get at times. But Ive found inspiration, and Im not gonna let this drag me down. not anymore. this time I think positively.

I swear to god, it feels like my brain is melting sometimes. Rife with ramblings, prose and thoughts of how I out to be, or how I want to be keep driving me insane. As of late, it seems as though Im going through some rather abrupt changes in my psyche.
One thing is for sure, it feels like im trying to catch up to the world. Im trying to grow up basically. I want to take more responsibility for myself, get a GREAT job (good just isnt good enough) and live the big dream, yet here I stand alone in Green f***ing Acres with a whole lotta NOTHIN to my name.

The more I think about it, the more I realize just how in a pinch I am: I work for meager pay at unreasonable hours, can barely fund myself for life, let alone college courses that im more than willing to take, and I let it all happen to me. My dreams mean nothing, because I have to take care of others. It sucks, it fucking sucks. Basically, here's what I WANT  to do with my life:

Get a car
Go to School
Graduate with honors

but INSTEAD, here's what im doing:

Work work work work drink work work work sleep work work work drink work work work.

....I need help.


you're not where you are because you're taking care of anyone, hon, you're there because you've settled there and can't overcome the inertia and build up momentum. you won't get a GREAT job until you decide you want to be a GREAT employee. there's no way you could ever get away with your current work ethic at any other job anywhere, period. you have the choice to be excellent at what you have now. i know you think you'll develop a great attitude and a great work ethic when you have a great job, but it doesn't work that way. at the moment you have an opportunity to develop yourself into a dynamo while there's no pressure on you, and you're not doing anything with it. since you're not putting out dynamic energy, no way can you create dynamism.
quit looking for external validation. it won't mean shit until it's enough for you to look at what you're doing with pride, self-generated.

I cant even...wow.